Cant Sleep Worth A Damn
Well here I am. Was in bed, trying to sleep for about an hour or so. And my little head just thinks up so meny things. And next thing I now I am laying there crying my eyes out. Uggg. Really I wish I would just feel better all damn ready. Honestly I dont feel anybetter then the day I found out Matt died. And you would think after almost 5 months I would feel atleaste a little better. But no, really I dont. I still cry alot. Too much really. Diane, my tree huggen councler said I need meds. I was like...eh yeah Duuuhhhh! Captian Obvious just landed on her head. With everything that I have held in over the last 26 years, and then all of this. My little jar is blowing the fuck up.
Background on the jar is my old CPS worker, Ted, who I had for 17 years, long time I know, would say "Liz If you dont let things out of your jar the top will pop, and weverything will overflow. And I dont want to be around when It does." Encourageing words eh?
well I have learned over the meny years of foster homes and group homes and especially my mom of how to hold in feelings because they just get you in trouble. Well, who ever told me that it was a good idea was dead wrong. My top has poped off and really, truely, honestly I feel like i could go into a corrner a just rock. Like thoses crazy ass people in the movies when they just break. Thats me. Trust me I am breathing a whole damn lot lately.
Trying t deal with the girls bouncing off the walls. And poor Dylan is so clingy lately. And my mom and brother and just ass's. Acting like complete fools in MN. All I hear is "we have no money" or "when are you comeing for a visit", or my personal favorite "you need to move back home." Home to what? My drunk ass mother who thinks she has the right to make other people feel like shit whenever it suits her? Or to my brother who thinks everyone is "his bitch" and there to make him happy? Hell no. Really a visit, and thats it. I cant handle these people for longer then an hour phone call. There is no god damn way I am moveing up there to watch Tony act like a fool and turn out like my mother. No thanks. Really the only reason I would like to go up now is to go sit at my brothers grave. And Im not sure what ,talk to him I guess.
It is so hard. I dont know how to feel any better then the shitty way I feel now. And I relly hate it. The counciler says in July they will have an inturn there for psych stuff. A person to write out med perscriptions really. Nothing more. And I cant fucking wait. I dont expect meds to make everything peaches and cream. But good god. To feel somewhat normal. Would be nice. But we will see I guess. Have to make it to July first.
well I guess I am off to bed. Night.
Background on the jar is my old CPS worker, Ted, who I had for 17 years, long time I know, would say "Liz If you dont let things out of your jar the top will pop, and weverything will overflow. And I dont want to be around when It does." Encourageing words eh?
well I have learned over the meny years of foster homes and group homes and especially my mom of how to hold in feelings because they just get you in trouble. Well, who ever told me that it was a good idea was dead wrong. My top has poped off and really, truely, honestly I feel like i could go into a corrner a just rock. Like thoses crazy ass people in the movies when they just break. Thats me. Trust me I am breathing a whole damn lot lately.
Trying t deal with the girls bouncing off the walls. And poor Dylan is so clingy lately. And my mom and brother and just ass's. Acting like complete fools in MN. All I hear is "we have no money" or "when are you comeing for a visit", or my personal favorite "you need to move back home." Home to what? My drunk ass mother who thinks she has the right to make other people feel like shit whenever it suits her? Or to my brother who thinks everyone is "his bitch" and there to make him happy? Hell no. Really a visit, and thats it. I cant handle these people for longer then an hour phone call. There is no god damn way I am moveing up there to watch Tony act like a fool and turn out like my mother. No thanks. Really the only reason I would like to go up now is to go sit at my brothers grave. And Im not sure what ,talk to him I guess.
It is so hard. I dont know how to feel any better then the shitty way I feel now. And I relly hate it. The counciler says in July they will have an inturn there for psych stuff. A person to write out med perscriptions really. Nothing more. And I cant fucking wait. I dont expect meds to make everything peaches and cream. But good god. To feel somewhat normal. Would be nice. But we will see I guess. Have to make it to July first.
well I guess I am off to bed. Night.
posted by Liz @ 6/16/2005 12:02:00 AM
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